On Starting Over…Again and Again

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Well, crap. Here we are again, the start of another year.

In fact, it’s nearly the end of January already! But I have been sick for the last three weeks, so only now feel like I am starting to poke my head out of hibernation and get cracking on this whole 2018 thing.

Part and parcel of that, for me, is purging and cleaning and going through my stack of journals. Normally I do a big end of year review, take stock of the past year’s accomplishments and challenges and set my intentions for the new year. (I shared my five simple ones in one of my last posts…when I thought I was finally recovering from my first cold.)

Since then I have gotten deeper into the journal stack and came across some of my hopes and wishes for 2017.

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In December of 2016 I wrote this in one journal:

this time next year – what seems nearly impossible and eye rollingly ambitious at this point?

i make upwards of $40 an hour for writing services

regular work from agencies

COS picked up or another book written

making the most i have ever made from copy, article, product, agency work

continuing to refine and build my brand

maybe speaking (Like at michelle’s event?)

new friends who i am really connected to and who i have a lot of fun with. I feel comfortable and totally able to be myself with them. we laugh a lot.

i see my talents and skills and am confident. i am able to ask for what i want in a compassionate confident way – and get it.

Boy, was I ambitious! I had some big plans, that’s for sure!

I came across this list in another journal:

2017:

learn french

take kids to hawaii

raise rates to $50/hour +

earn $3k/mo from writing

complete a draft of a memoir

get my scooter license

Hmmm, not successful with any of those, except raising my rates. #didnthavethedesiredeffect

 

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At this point, as I sit here with you and transcribe these lists here I am filled with just one thought:

seriously, what DID i accomplish in 2017? #anything? #beuller?

Here’s even more, from yet another introspective, intentional passage:

what do i want to have achieved by the end of 2017?

double my writing income

more movement on the reg

get back to yoga

hawaii with the kids

2 explore the town trips with scott

a poem a day

interview julie and bill

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Wow, I had such great intentions.

But what did I actually do on any of those lists?

I don’t think I have looked back on a year and felt so much like I didn’t do shit for a while.

OK, I know how I am. I sell myself short a lot of the time, so let’s get real.

Did I actually do anything from those lists?

yes. I did.

I wrote a poem every single motherfucking day of the year. #bam

I raised my rates to $50/hour (and promptly cut way back on my writing gigs.) #oops #causeandeffect

I interviewed my aunt Julie about my mom for my memoir. #kindastarted

I took up tennis which means I am moving a lot more. #andlaughing

Scotty and I went to Vegas. #happyanniversary

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Doesn’t feel like much, but I guess it was enough. It has to be at this point, right? I mean, 2017 is over and I can’t go back and add anything now, can I?

In fact, I feel like I let more things go than I added.

In October I found out I didn’t get a big job that I had thought I wanted and that I had been interviweing for since August. After that I felt like I lost my mojo, my motivation, my ambition. #maybeIdid

I decided not to continue with a writing position I had for a year as it added more stress than it was worth to me. #noregrets

I had taken a long-term substitute teaching job in November and while I was on retreat in early December it became clear to me it wasn’t the right thing to do – that I didn’t want the responsibility of a long-term gig. So I didn’t go back when school resumed in January.

I feel like my year stalled out about halfway through. #whathappened

I suppose some of that was due to Dee’s cancer coming back in July and trying to spend time with her and attend to some family issues that arose over the summer.

And then Dee died in November, after she gathered her tribe for an amazing 48 hours together,  and that threw me.

And then, in rapid succession, I went on retreat, turned 50, got sick, the holidays arrived, I got sicker and well, here we are with 2018 well on it’s way and the rest of our lives before us.

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So now what?

I’d like to know, how was 2017 for you? What are you hoping for this year? 

In openhearted wonder,

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