Happy Birthday;or What Now?

December is my birthday month and Sunday is my birthday. This is my personal “new year” and traditionally the time when I reflect the past year and plan for the fresh one on the horizon.

 

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Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

 

As you know, I’ve had lots of time on my hands lately (ahem) due to unemployment and now surgery/recovery.  This has allowed me to focus on being open to any insight about the last year and any suggestion as to what I should be doing next with my life. 

Frankly there isn’t much coming to me from either direction.

 

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Photo by Richard Balog on Unsplash

Honestly, in many ways this last year seems like a waste. I need to spend more time looking more closely at what transpired, but at first pass there isn’t much to celebrate personally or professionally. Especially professionally.

Other than surviving. #theresthat

I didn’t accomplish anything that I am particularly proud of — in fact just the opposite. 2018 has been professionally demoralizing and destabilizing and I feel even more adrift now than I did this time last year.

And that’s saying something.

 

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Photo by Carl Heyerdahl on Unsplash

 

 

I am starting my 51st year on this planet deeply thankful to be here.  Many of my friends and loved ones are not, so I am appreciative of that.  And the awareness that I’m appreciative makes it even sweeter.

But as I look towards 51,  I wonder, “What’s next?”

People want to be helpful. They ask me, “Well Jessica, what do you want to do?”

But I don’t have an answer. At least not an answer like we are taught to have, or that I’ve had in the past, concrete answers like:

“I want to be a ballerina.”

“I want to be a child psychologist.”

“I want to be an Olympian.”

“I want to be a writer.”

“I want to make $100k a year.”

Now? Honestly, I just want to putter in the garden and read and start writing more again and meditate regularly.

I want to be a better friend, a better parent, a better lover.

I want to be present with those around me.  I want to help the greater good in some meaningful way,  but I don’t know what that is.

Apparently, I don’t know a heck of a lot more than I do know.

I also know none of that ^^^ pays the bills!

 

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Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash

 

There is one thing that keeps coming to mind when I meditate/pray/contemplate/ask for guidance: “start at the beginning.” 

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But start what? What am I supposed to be starting?  #ineedanswers

Well, I’m starting 51 with a new body.

I’m starting 51 with a new awareness of my relationship with money.  #asimplerebel

If you look at it one way,  I’m starting 51 with a clean slate.

I feel like I have less history, but also less ambition. I’m just not sure how it all fits together. 

So for now, I plan to continue to simplify, simplify, simplify, as much as I can. This will help so I don’t need as much financially which will, in turn, provide some freedom professionally. 

On another positive, my home life feels steady (but I’m 100% positive I can improve how I am in relationship to my loved ones!)  #hopeididntjinxmyself

I also feel calm and relaxed about the unknowing. The fact that I feel adrift isn’t sending me into a panic.

I guess practicing nonattachment can have that effect.

For now, I am keeping this quote by Rainer Maria Rilke close to my heart:

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Have you ever felt this way? If so, what did you do – if anything? How did it all turn out for you? I’d love to know…please share in the comments! 

In love with the question,

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