What is it you want? He asked me time and time again. Over and over until all I wanted was for him to stop asking.
Later, in the darkness of hurt feelings and the stillness of unanswered questions, I wondered too What do I want?
The first responses came easily…health, happiness, financial security, love, family.
The next round took more time.
The next round took longer still.
I want you, I said aloud to his silent back, to hold me and tell me it will all be ok when I need it the most.
I want you to understand it is just my nature to do things the hard way, to go against the grain.
I want you, I say, to push forward with me.
instead of against me.
I am so thankful that I have exactly this….now.
With someone else.
Discovering this piece nine years later – five since I left – and realizing I have this is so powerful.
Don’t give up.
I truly believe (now) you get what you put up with.
You have to value yourself before you will find someone who values you.
Even though it pains me to re-live the bad relationship I was in there was good that came from it too – my children, above and beyond all else.
But also a strength and intolerance for mistreatment that I didn’t have until I had had enough and left…and survived.