Today was another low energy day for me. Not sure why or what’s up, but momma said there would be days like this, so I roll with it.
While I can.
You know as well as I do things are always changing and in flux and one day you can take it easy and watch the fog roll in and the next day you are writing thousands of words and have several deadlines looming.
For today’s Fearless Writing Challenge (FWC) I took a shortcut and looked at a list of blog topics to give me an idea of what to write about. (It’s difficult to come up with something potentially compelling every day.) #potentially
Today I invite you into the deep recesses of my soul and psyche to learn about 10 Things I Forgive Myself For.
Side note: This is kinda how I do this, I give myself a topic and I just start writing off the top of my head. I generally go in a chronological order and as things pop up they sometimes lead to other things. I try not to censor myself and am often surprised by what comes up. As you can probably tell, the FWC is very much off the cuff, stream of consciousness, and unpolished. #youknewthatalreadyright?
Here we go, in no particular order:
- I forgive myself for spanking my little sister when I babysat her. I think that was the only time she ever got spanked. I also taught her a swear word that same night. Not a good night, but hey, I was only about 12 when I watched her. And I grounded myself for it. (see #10 on yesterday’s list)
- I forgive myself for stealing magnets from my favorite teacher, Ms. Davies, in 3rd grade. I want to blame my so-called friends for convincing me to steal the really cool red, U-shaped magnets we had in our classroom, but the truth of the matter is I did it. #peerpressure I actually got caught immediately and gave the magnet back tearfully. I was fortunate enough to have had Ms. Davies for three years, 1st – 3rd grades and truly loved her. I often saw her around town and when she passed away a few years ago I was able to attend her service. She was an awesome woman.
- I forgive myself for shoplifting leotards from a local store. I don’t know how we never got caught. I am mortified to admit that I did that. #juniorhigh
- I forgive myself for stealing pot from my parents. Honestly, they had enough that I don’t think they missed it, but knowing my step-dad he probably knew what I was up to. He’s the kind of guy that would know he had exactly enough for X number of joints, so when he came up short…well, I’d guess it wasn’t rocket science to figure out where it went.
- I forgive myself for cheating on my first husband. God, what a horrible thing to admit publicly. There really is no excuse for this one. It has been nearly twenty years and I still feel horrible about it. The only good thing to come of it is that I would never do that again, having lived through it and born the consequences. But I have to forgive myself to move on and I have worked very hard on this one. I should probably apologize to him. #notsureitwouldmatter
- I forgive myself for engaging in heated arguments and yelling with my (second) ex-husband in front of my children. To this day I wonder how their early exposure to two people so poorly matched for a marriage will affect them later in life. Fortunately, their dad and I are much happier people apart than we ever were together and we have raised two amazing children, so I take solace in that. #phew
- I forgive myself for gaining weight. What can I say? I love to eat, I am older and my nagging injuries keep me from exercising as I once did. I’m often lazy. I like wine.
- I forgive myself for being so hard on myself. #seeabove For gaining weight, for being tired, lazy, eating too much, drinking too much, getting old, not being dedicated or committed to exercising as much as I should. For “lettingmyself go” and then beating myself up about it. For not loving my body as much as it deserves.
- I forgive myself for always being late. Like right now, this very moment. I am trying to finish this blog post so my sweetie and I can go get dinner. He has been patiently waiting for about half an hour. I always underestimate how long it will take me to finish a blog post or get ready to get out of the house.
- I forgive myself for not taking the dogs out on a walk/run for several days. #SorryGuys Tomorrow, I promise. I say that every day! I wish I could hop out of bed and go for a run early every morning. That would make life so much better. But I. Just. Don’t. Do. It.
- Bonus: I always say that just when you aer wrapping up the interview, or the therapy session is when you get to the real meat. So here is my
finallast item on this list of self-forgiveness – and what I will write more about tomorrow. I forgive myself for not washing my mother’s body after she died. Here is a video clip about it.