Once the news is delivered, sound comes back slowly, but what was black and white takes longer to return to color, if it ever does. You do not know if it does, truth be told because it hasn’t yet. It is not black and white all the time anymore, but it is not full color either. Maybe things just stay faded forever once you lose a child. The way life all of a sudden got brighter when he was born, now life is duller, faded.
Birth and death, opposites, the circle of life…all are inevitable, this you know.
When you were pregnant everyone said how drastically things were going to change. Of course, you had no idea how profound the change would be.
There is no way to explain it to you, they said. You just have to experience it for yourself.
The mothers in the group at the office baby shower huddled together, cluck clucking about how you just had no idea how much your life was about to change, you poor innocent, naive girl.
You did not think it was possible, for things to change that much. You had been through big changes in your life. Moving, breaking up, meeting new lovers, traveling the world. You were well read, watched foreign movies, even had friends who had children before you. You understood that things would change. That your life, as you knew it, would no longer be the same. You understood that idea, you got the picture, you knew your life was going to change in a big way; you were ready, thank you very much. You’d see them all when your maternity leave was up in six weeks.
But they were right and you were wrong. You had no idea how your life would change. Not in just the physical, logistical ways, but the cellular, organic ways – those were the things that took you completely by surprise. Who knew?
Who knew the world could be any brighter than it was on the day you met your husband? Who knew it would be any more spectacular than the sunrise on the beach in Hawaii that warm morning he decided to surprise you with a walk on the beach and then a sparkling diamond as the two of you sat on the sand and watched the sun rise?
The world seemed amazingly bright that morning – the bluest sky, the whitest clouds, the most amazing shades of pink behind the greenest palm trees and banana plants and the reddest hibiscus flowers you had ever laid eyes on. Who knew life could be more vibrant than it was that day, when your entire future together was before you, stretching on as it did like the Hawaiian horizon. No end in sight, just smooth sailing, or so you thought.
to be continued…