Fearless Writing Day 5: Where I Rant and Make Crass Comparisons

Yesterday I told you I have big boobs. If you know me you have seen them. And, judging by the comments I have gotten so far, the chances are pretty good that if you are a woman friend of mine you have big boobs too. #sorry  #feelyourpain

As I was writing yesterday’s post I began thinking about breast reduction surgery, a topic I think about a few times a year. I have a few friends who have done it and are very happy with the results.

The only people who have had anything negative to say about it are…(wait for it)…men.

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 Surprised? Nah, me neither.

Look, here’s the thing. You can take half of my Holy Shits away and I will still. have. big. boobs.

What’s half of H anyways? It’s between a DD and DDD.

Dear Men: that’s basically like walking around with naval orange sized balls instead of fig sized balls. #soundsfunhuh?

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And guess what happens when you have to carry around casaba sized boobs? I mean, “real” and “natural” ones, not the porn star fake ones that stand up on their own.

Do you really want to know? I mean, if you peek behind the curtain you may not like what you see. Or smell.

Yup, I said it. SMELL.

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‘Cause guess what happens when you are, say, working out with a steel-like, super-duper sports bra – or two – on? Sweat happens. Moisture builds up. Flesh gets moist. Sweat gets trapped.

And that lovely band of stuck together flesh under those lovely meat flaps? Mmmmm, smells like steak. Raw fucking meat.

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Does that turn you on, baby?

Here’s the real secret: that happens every day.

Yup, I don’t have to be working out to have boob sweat. Nope. In the course of an average day,  I get sweaty cleavage. And a rash, under my boobs, and between my boobs. It’s really awesome. And it itches. Heat rash between the boobs itches like crazy. 

In fact, sometimes it itches is so bad that I leave red welts on my boobs from scratching.

But wait, there’s more!

How about those permanent indentations on my shoulders? Yup, PERMANENT. From carrying around all that boob you find so attractive.

Small price to pay for your viewing pleasure, isn’t it? #heyhotmama #nicetits

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So, we have boob sweat, rashes, permanent disfigurement, and the smell of rotting flesh. #SexyTalk

Just think, if we didn’t have the weight of the boobs on our shoulders every day, we might have fewer headaches…#nottonightihaveaheadache

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Now that’s something to get all worked up about!

 

5 down, 142 to go,

 

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