Between Optimism and Despair

 

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I am neither here, nor there.

I vacillate between optimism and despair. Between 100% belief in myself and my ambitious plan and then stunning apathy.

 

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The downward spiral

 

It hasn’t been a year yet. I’ve come so far. Look at all I’ve accomplished:

I’ve written my monthly column for a year and a half.

I’ve picked up news stories and business features for Times Publishing Group.

I wrote profiles for the Santa Cruz Socialites blog for a year.

I write regularly for American Hat Makers.

I’ve ghostwritten several blogs on a variety of subjects (shhh, they are secret, since they are ghostwritten!)

I’m the content coordinator for Beach Neighbors Spotlight and write the monthly feature – except for the month that my family was on the cover!

I do research and write executive summaries with an executive coach who works with some of the biggest names in tech.

I worked for an author and entrepreneur who does incredible behavior design work.

I wrote a great guest blog for Rank&File Magazine

I had a poem published in and was on the cover of Badassery magazine. 

I’ve written a short poem every. single. day. of the year so far. And post them on Instagram. 

I launched Write with Jessica – offering writing funshops and vision board parties.

I got to be a guest host on Monica Karst’s radio show! Monica is the founder of the above-mentioned Santa Cruz Socialites and so much fun to talk with!

I write daily breaking crime news for the new Nancy Grace website; Crime Online. 

And…I started my YouTube channel. 

 

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Ev’ry day, yo.

 

And yet…

No one signed up for my writing funshops.

No.

One.

That’s what lead to the YouTube channel and my new baby, Rosé Write Along, where basically I broadcast my writing funshop while no one watches. And I drink.

Then I post it on YouTube.

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Oddly, I enjoy this.

So far.

But then I think I will need to do so much more to make it successful and I have no track record of making anything successful.

(It may not be entirely true, but that’s how I think sometimes. You know, no one signed up and all that.)

The fact of the matter is, I need people to sign up because I need to make money.

 

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Mo’ money

Because I have, you know, bills and kids and shit that requires money.

 

Although I have to say, I have gotten used to having a lot less of the green stuff on hand.

Remember how I was irresponsible and took some money I had saved up for “retirement” and used that to bolster me for a while as I tried to make it as a freelance writer?

Well, it’s gone.

And I probably should be a lot more concerned about that fact than I am.

So either I am delusional, or I’m an optimist.

Because frankly, so far it’s worked out.

I get the check I need at the last minute. The bills get paid. Or the payment plan gets approved. The new gig comes along.

And here I am, 10 months into this crazy idea of becoming a full-time freelance writer (I forgot to add “well-paid” to that manifestation. Duly noted.) and I am writing full-time.

12 hour days, 6-7 days a week.

With total freedom to take a day off and hang with my kid like I did today.

Or take a kid to the doctor or practice or drive on a field trip.

Or nap on the couch.

Or walk with a friend when one of us really needs it.

So there’s that. And that is worth a lot of money, in my book.

And yet…(there is a theme here…) and yet. No tropical vacation like I’d promised. No car for the 16th birthday. No savings. No wiggle room. No financial security.

 

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round and round i go…

You may be wondering why I wrote this bleak post.

Wow, this is super inspiring Jessica. Thanks for sharing! 

But, as you well know, life has its ups and downs and round and rounds and while it feels good to hear someone say,  “Oh my gosh, you are totally doing it! That thing you talked about doing for years, you are doing it!” 

It also sucks to have the bank account of a college freshman living on ramen.

Or the self-doubt of anyone who goes out on a limb by themselves with no safety net.

I guess I just wanted to share my reality with you. This blog is, after all, about my creative journey.

My mystifying, puzzling, exhilarating, heart-breaking, hilarious, scary journey.

 

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Nevertheless, she persisted.

 

Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.

Love,

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