I’ve been thinking about this question (as posed by Rosie Molinary in her book, beautiful you, that I am working through/with) for the last 36 hours or so:
“If we find ourselves consumed with body hatred, dissatisfaction, and preoccupation, our issue is likely not about our bodies at all. It is about something else that has kept us from maintaining perspective about our perceived imperfections.”
Well, Ok….I can get my head around the logic there, the idea, yeah, sure. But where I get hung up is: what then, is my issue? What is the true root of my dissatisfaction?
Right now I feel like the proverbial horse led to water. I’m there, staring into the mossy tub of cool, refreshing water, I just ain’t drinking. For whatever reason I just can’t get my nose down far enough to pierce the mirrored reflection staring back at me. Yeah, Jessica, what is it, really, that you are dissatisfied with?
I shouldn’t be dissatisfied with anything. I have a loving partner (who, it should be noted, loves my body just the way it is – and I believe him), two healthy children, a solid network of super-supportive, wonderful, life-long friends who are like family to me, a close relationship with key family members, a tolerable job, a wonderful, comfortable home, a reliable vehicle.
On the surface I would say I am least satisfied with my work and financial lives – as intertwined as they are. My job is often fulfilling, but perhaps not quite intellectually challenging or varied enough for me. The pay is not enough to support me and my family. It is part-time work.
On the way plus side, my job affords me a fantastic schedule, with tons of “free” time. Which, to me, is worth a lot. More than a lot. In fact, I am not sure I could actually cope with a “regular” full-time, 8-5 kind of job.
I need to work full-time, because I want to be able to support myself and my children without having to rely on others. I want to take care of my financial life so that I can someday retire and also be able to send my kids on school trips and help them with a college education or a life-changing, eye-opening, heart-expanding trip around the world.
I need to be stimulated, intellectually. I want a somewhat flexible job that rewards me financially and challenges me, encourages me to grow, and that offers real, visible room for advancement. I am goal-oriented. I like to receive regular feedback about my performance. I love positive reinforcement.
Hmmm, I sound like an athlete!
Maybe my dissatisfaction has something to do with not feeling accomplished. When I was competing I knew immediately how well I did – my place and time were tangible results. I had a coach who told me what to do, when to do it and if I did it well. And if I did not do it well, what I needed to do to improve next time. And frankly, I usually DID improve. I worked hard. I was dedicated. I enjoyed the challenge and the variety. I enjoyed the travel, meeting new people, going to new places, always having new goals.
I thrived upon the accomplishment, acknowledgement and attention.
We may be on to something here.